Monday, February 08, 2010
The Council of Trent Awards the Coveted Ribbet Ribbet Award
The Council of Trent Gathers for the Portentous Ceremony of Issuing Its Proclamation for School-Board Candy member Olson, Incumbent of District 2 and Recent Victim of Her Judge Husband's Transitioning to Gay and Announcing That He "Has Never Been Happier" After Exiting the Closet and Divorcing Candy, Who Has Had to Sell Her South- Tampa House and Move to the Other Side of the Tracks by Taking Up Her Abode in a Condo with Renters. Renters, My Dears. Oh, the Shame of It All. All the While Candy emits unconscious but audible Ribbet Ribbets.
Whereas the Council of Trent from time to time issues proclamations saluting outstanding members of the world community,
And whereas it sees fit to salute School-Board member Candy Olson for a significant if exotic personal distinction;
And whereas this personal distinction has to do with the ability to utter frog calls with astonishing verisimilitudeof the Ribbet Ribbet variety even with Candy's mouth closed ;
And whereas La Candy has merited increasing admiration and wonder from the community--especially zoologists and biologists and just plain frog lovers--for her uncany ability to utter authentic Ribbet Ribbets that are indistinguishable from the Ribbet Ribbets of bona fide swamp frogs;
And whereas some have likened this ability to a new type of human frog-like vocal exhibition not encountered before in this or in any other galaxy,
And whereas said Candy has modestly denied that she has never nor will ever utter Ribbet Ribbet, popular belief's being that she wants to keep her talent mysterious and elusive;
But whereas too many have heard her Ribbet Ribbets for her to modestly or otherwise deny the Ribbet Ribbet distinction;
And whereas word comes that many want to to sign up for Ribbet Ribbet seminars under Candy's expert tutelage;
And whereas news of La Candy's Ribbet Ribbet feat has spread across the globe with children at the Khyber Pass's having Ribbet Ribbet contests to replicate Candy's feat; also tykes in Yemen have taken up this new Ribbet Ribet fad.
And whereas opera composers are working feverishly to construct a work that will surpass Wagner's "Die Walkure" with a Brunhilde-similar character belting out instead of "Y0-ho-tee-ho" rather yodeling a soaring "Ribbet! Ribbet" with a pitch never heard before on the opera stage;
And whereas Macy's is thinking of replacing its Christmas parade with a Ribbet Ribbet parade and asking Candy to grace an open convertible with frogs painted on the sides, trunk, hubcaps, and all fenders;
And whereas the new chic that has sprung up as a result of Candy's esoteric talent is moo-moos patterned with frogs of all colors and sizes the main element;
And whereas the new t-shirt craze is a frog-green shirt adorned with only the words "Ribbit, Ribbet";
And whereas Candy has secretly consulted with a patent lawyer to claim the patent for any Ribbet Ribbet products;
And whereas Candy has put out a new door mat in the dead of the night with a frog yodeling "Ribbet, Ribbet" on it;
And whereas her envious board buddies have begun to secretly mouth during meetings "Ribbet Ribbet" because Candy's getting all the attention;
And whereas the National Institutes of Health have probed Candy's willingness let its frog experts do a long-term study of her vocal chords to determine how they form the Ribbet Ribbet sounds;
And whereas all the frogs near the condo in which Candy lives off Swann Avenue have congregated under her windows to serenade every night;
And whereas Candy gives them back many comradely "Ribbet Ribbets";
And whereas citizen calls to City Hall have proliferated to demand that Candy have a bench with extensive frog decorations placed by the side of that of Dick Head- and-Shoulders Greco in downtown Tampa;
Therefore. in sum, finally, and summarily the Council of Trent names this day, the 11th of February, the annual Candy Ribbet Ribbet Day with all due solemnity and thereunto proffers all the frogs she wants delivered to her condo's door followed closely thereupon a march down Bayshore by a band of bacchantes clad in frog jumpsuits playing the new hit "If a Ribbet Meet a Ribbet Coming Through the Rye" whilst girls with green pompoms shake them vigorously and shout "Ribbet Ribbet Ribbet Ribbet ad lib and ad nauseum.
And whereas it sees fit to salute School-Board member Candy Olson for a significant if exotic personal distinction;
And whereas this personal distinction has to do with the ability to utter frog calls with astonishing verisimilitudeof the Ribbet Ribbet variety even with Candy's mouth closed ;
And whereas La Candy has merited increasing admiration and wonder from the community--especially zoologists and biologists and just plain frog lovers--for her uncany ability to utter authentic Ribbet Ribbets that are indistinguishable from the Ribbet Ribbets of bona fide swamp frogs;
And whereas some have likened this ability to a new type of human frog-like vocal exhibition not encountered before in this or in any other galaxy,
And whereas said Candy has modestly denied that she has never nor will ever utter Ribbet Ribbet, popular belief's being that she wants to keep her talent mysterious and elusive;
But whereas too many have heard her Ribbet Ribbets for her to modestly or otherwise deny the Ribbet Ribbet distinction;
And whereas word comes that many want to to sign up for Ribbet Ribbet seminars under Candy's expert tutelage;
And whereas news of La Candy's Ribbet Ribbet feat has spread across the globe with children at the Khyber Pass's having Ribbet Ribbet contests to replicate Candy's feat; also tykes in Yemen have taken up this new Ribbet Ribet fad.
And whereas opera composers are working feverishly to construct a work that will surpass Wagner's "Die Walkure" with a Brunhilde-similar character belting out instead of "Y0-ho-tee-ho" rather yodeling a soaring "Ribbet! Ribbet" with a pitch never heard before on the opera stage;
And whereas Macy's is thinking of replacing its Christmas parade with a Ribbet Ribbet parade and asking Candy to grace an open convertible with frogs painted on the sides, trunk, hubcaps, and all fenders;
And whereas the new chic that has sprung up as a result of Candy's esoteric talent is moo-moos patterned with frogs of all colors and sizes the main element;
And whereas the new t-shirt craze is a frog-green shirt adorned with only the words "Ribbit, Ribbet";
And whereas Candy has secretly consulted with a patent lawyer to claim the patent for any Ribbet Ribbet products;
And whereas Candy has put out a new door mat in the dead of the night with a frog yodeling "Ribbet, Ribbet" on it;
And whereas her envious board buddies have begun to secretly mouth during meetings "Ribbet Ribbet" because Candy's getting all the attention;
And whereas the National Institutes of Health have probed Candy's willingness let its frog experts do a long-term study of her vocal chords to determine how they form the Ribbet Ribbet sounds;
And whereas all the frogs near the condo in which Candy lives off Swann Avenue have congregated under her windows to serenade every night;
And whereas Candy gives them back many comradely "Ribbet Ribbets";
And whereas citizen calls to City Hall have proliferated to demand that Candy have a bench with extensive frog decorations placed by the side of that of Dick Head- and-Shoulders Greco in downtown Tampa;
Therefore. in sum, finally, and summarily the Council of Trent names this day, the 11th of February, the annual Candy Ribbet Ribbet Day with all due solemnity and thereunto proffers all the frogs she wants delivered to her condo's door followed closely thereupon a march down Bayshore by a band of bacchantes clad in frog jumpsuits playing the new hit "If a Ribbet Meet a Ribbet Coming Through the Rye" whilst girls with green pompoms shake them vigorously and shout "Ribbet Ribbet Ribbet Ribbet ad lib and ad nauseum.
"Pax vobicum,' y'all, quoth the Trentians
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